The Attack of the Black Squirrels

by Catie Griffin

Thursday November 29, 2007

Melissa Phillips wasn’t always so paranoid about squirrels. In fact, she had been very fond of the cute and fuzzy little creatures until they had decided to organize and wage all out war against her.

She could date the start of this abnormal paranoia to the very first time she had stepped foot on campus, around Thanksgiving. Her dad had been dragging her around on tours of different colleges throughout the past week and quite frankly, she had become sick of the whole process. However, the first time she arrived at this particular campus, she was awed by the colors of gold, crimson, and orange that met her on the numerous trees, a cool breeze blowing swirls of leaves at her feet. She had firmly decided then and there that, with its park-like trails and beautiful, old, stone buildings, this was the college for her.

It had been when Melissa stopped to admire how a slate roof contrasted with the deep blue sky that she felt a sharp knock on her head.

Startled, she looked up to see the chubby face of a rather fat squirrel staring back at her from the swinging branch of the tree she had been standing under.

Normal people might have waved this off as an accident on the squirrel’s part but Melissa was more perceptive than that. When she first gazed into those beady black eyes, she absolutely knew this had been no mistake. That squirrel had purposely dropped that acorn on her head and was waiting for her to look away so that he could launch a second attack. But she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

She slowly stepped away, keeping her eyes on the squirrel; unfortunately, she had forgotten the stone steps next to her. She proceeded to trip over the steps and land in a heap next to them, swearing loudly. The tour guide stopped suddenly and screamed out “Oh shit, are you okay?!” much to Melissa’s dismay. The whole group then turned around and stared at her as she slowly got up and brushed herself off. It was then and there that she realized the squirrels’ evil plan to kill her…or at least cause her chronic embarrassment.

Unfortunately, when she arrived on campus the next year as a student, the squirrelly barrage had not abated. She was constantly bombed by acorns, twigs, and the occasional pinecone.

Every time she looked up, the squirrels mocked her with their annoying chatter and flicking tails.

This Sunday, however, was going to be different. This time, she was determined to use her brother’s slingshot on the next little monster that tried its antics on her; and she calmly told this to her friend, Amy Walker, as she ate some waffle with whipped cream.

“I really don’t understand your obsession with squirrels. It’s like…not really healthy, you know?” Amy eyed Melissa’s mountain of whipped cream with obvious disgust as she ate her single grapefruit slice.

Melissa shook her head as she clutched the slingshot in her left hand, spooning whipped cream in her mouth with her right. Amy obviously didn’t understand the secret war that was constantly being waged against teachers and students alike.

“They’ve been provoking me ever since I’ve gotten here. I swear, they’re little demons…and if you had any sense at all, you would get your own slingshot and do the same.” Amy slowly picked up her spoon and scooped out a portion of her grapefruit, still staring at the whipped cream on Melissa’s plate.

“I don’t know how you eat that and still end up being so skinny…and I am definitely not shooting a poor, little, defenseless animal.

Melissa spooned the last of the whipped cream in her mouth, starting on the waffle.

“The wonders of a fast metabolism… and they are not defenseless. Their so called ‘cuteness’ lures you into a false sense of security until they suddenly attack!”

She began to repeatedly stab her fork into the waffle as a show of how violent a squirrel’s attack could really be. Amy wrinkled her nose as she finished up her grapefruit “Are you going to eat another one of those?”

“No, I’m good.” Melissa scooped the rest of the mutilated waffle into her mouth. “Ready to go?”

Amy nodded. “Sure. Want to head to the library? I still have a few things I need to finish up.” She tapped the rather large textbook next to her.

“That works. I have a paper due soon, anyway. I probably should start on the research…” Melissa tapped her chin in thought.

Amy and Melissa stood up from the sticky, wooden table, gathering their things. Once their trays had been deposited, they pushed open the creaky, wooden door, exiting the dining hall and emerging into the sunlight beyond.

It was when the two started to walk along the path leading to the library that Melissa felt the sharp pain of an acorn falling on her head.

She swung around and looked upwards. She could see the little devil grinning at her with its overlarge front teeth. How dare it mock her!

“Melissa?”

“Shh…”

Melissa slowly rummaged in her purse before taking out one of the pebbles she had collected that morning. She loaded the slingshot, took aim, and fired.

Too bad she didn’t have good aim.

The pebble ended up hitting the thin branch that the squirrel had perched on, causing it to sway dangerously as the squirrel clutched onto its bark firmly.

“Shit! I missed!”

“Melissa!”

The squirrel made angry chattering noises at Melissa as another acorn was dislodged in her direction. Melissa saw it coming and dodged the missile. The acorn clattered harmlessly to the ground.

“Nice try, you rodent from Hell!”

At this point, Amy was shaking her head, having given up trying to reason with her friend.

All of a sudden, there was a loud cracking noise from the branch that Melissa had hit with her slingshot.

Amy looked up.

Melissa looked up.

The squirrel looked down.

The branch suddenly gave way beneath the squirrel, the creature giving a terrified squeaking sound as it plummeted downwards.
With a large crashing noise, both branch and rodent hit the ground, both lying completely still afterwards.

“Oh my god…you killed it!”

Melissa stared dumbly at the squirrel. It was her moment of triumph, so why did she feel so guilty?

“I…didn’t mean to.”

“You killed a poor defenseless animal!”

Melissa slowly approached the squirrel, which was lying on the ground, its little eyes closed. It looked so small and fragile from this angle. She really didn’t mean to kill it.

Melissa felt a wave of guilt washing over her.

“I really didn’t mean to…”

She kneeled down next to the squirrel. Maybe she did let this obsession get the better of her. It was only a squirrel, for Christ’s sake. It wasn’t anything big or terrifying…just a cute, little, fuzzy…did it move?

Melissa stared in disbelief as the squirrel’s tail twitched. It then slowly opened its eyes and stared back at Melissa.

Melissa blinked.

The squirrel jumped up and, whether confused or attempting another one of its devious plans, crawled up Melissa’s leg.

Melissa screamed and the squirrel, either realizing its mistake or deciding that its mission was a success, jumped off her leg and proceeded to high tail it up a tree before disappearing in the branches above.

Melissa turned to Amy, pointing at the squirrel.

“See?! I told you they were evil!”