Overheard on the SLC Anon Post

by Joe Lazauskas

Tuesday January 22, 2008

(On Brian Donegan): The end all be all of human achievement at the level of physical beauty. The callipegian ideal personified. What the hand that shaped those buttocks? ****
(On 15 pages!!!) your conference paper? no, slc anon. go squirrels. ****
(On Places You’ve defiled): Came on a bean bag in a study room on a break from a 20 hour adderall binge conference day last year. ****
(On Confessions): knowing i can give myself really good orgasm gets me through life here

Instead of paying attention in art history, I fantasize about being the sex slave of a celtic warrior.

I love touching my boobs. When I’m stoned its the only thing I want to do.

I constantly self-narrate my own life, monologue style, as if I’m Carrie from “Sex and the City”. Sometimes the mental-monologues are even in Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice. Swear to god. I know, I’m the lamest person ever. I don’t even watch Sex and the City that often!! ****
(On what’s in your medicine cabinet): trazodone, klonopin, ativan, vicodin, ambien, lunesta, adderall, ritalin. beat that! i swear i’m not an addict. i’m merely a collector! ****
Post: not gonna lie, what depresses me about this school more than anything is that 75% of people on this campus look at me cross-eyed when i use the word “30.” WHAT KIND OF A BEER VENDER IS THE MOBIL TO BE SO CLOSE TO A COLLEGE AND NOT SELL COLLEGE SIZED CASES OF BEER? WHY ARE THERE NO 30’S OF CHEAP BEER AT THE MOBIL? FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Response: wow. you are so cool i can’t even stand it. i’m in awe of you and your knowledge of beer. i wish i could be more like you, drunk and obnoxious and cheap, but i can’t, because i don’t know what a 30 is. i do know what a 24 is, and an 18, and that two 18s is 36, but that’s not the point. the point is you suck. ****
(Under Best Pickup Lines): “Baby, If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes”

I would like to get hot and sour in your soup.

Check out my conference paper. It’s 20 pages long and takes all night.

Hey! Let’s have sex.

Do you clean your pants with Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

Hi, my name is Brian Donegan.