The headlines if I were in charge: Esther gets blunt wraps

by Joe Lazauskas '10

Tuesday January 22, 2008

Library goes 24/7

Radical changes have accompanied the Esther Raushenbush Library’s switch to a 24/7 operation for conference weeks.
This year, following belligerent student requests scribbled on the library’s walls during conference week last semester, the library has decided to follow the model of other 24/7 establishments catering to the needs of college students.

The library is planning to offer: blunt wraps, Old English 40s, various adult magazines, Chex Mix, rolling papers, RockStar Energy Drink, Red Bull, Newport Slims, Marlboro Reds, overpriced six-packs of Keystone light, Slim Jims, and 18-packs of Budweiser and Coors Light, three-packs of Durex and Trojan condoms, and Vanilla Game Blunts.

“We’ve gotten a great response,” one student library worker said. “Everyone’s much happier to be here. We were trying to follow the Mobil-model, but also a little bit of a 7-11 flair. People are talking about getting an Icee machine, but I say, what about a Vodka-Icee machine?”

“We’ve received a lot of positive feedback,” a library administrator confirmed. “We were really happy to let our hair down after Michelle Myers left and two classes here have never experienced that whole strip-study debacle. A lot of students have asked if we could install a mini-pharmacy, like QuickCheck does. The idea is that students would have easy access to their Valium, Vicadin and Adderall prescriptions, which I think would be wonderfully convenient.”

All profits have gone to the SLC endowment, which has, as a result, increased 126% over the past three weeks.

Concerns over behavior of first years

Concerns have risen across campus over the behavior of first-year students after they have been labeled “one of the nicest classes at SLC in a while,” on the SLC anonymous post. This first year class has escaped scrutiny from upperclassmen on the post, who regard them as “nice” and “chill.”

“Obviously, whenever an important SLC tradition like first-years getting verbally assaulted by upper classmen on the post, it’s a huge cause of concern,” Dean of Student Life Mary Spellman said.
“This class needs to understand that their behavior is not what SLC is all about.”

First-years have become concerned as well over their behavior, and a coalition of first-years, under the name, “FYS: Developing horrific personalities,” has set out to start the program. “We need vegan cokeheads!” the leader cried at the inaugural meeting to a chorus of cheers. “We need creepy guys in sleeveless shirts! Annoyingly large headphones! Drug dealers that rip people off! We need to start shit talking everyone behind their backs!”

“Someone needs to puke in the elevator, show up to all the dances showing off way too much of their hideous body, and packs of people to show up at upperclassmen parties uninvited!” she concluded the meeting with. “I’m going to go try and sneak hits off of joints people are smoking in Slonim woods. Who’s with me?!”

Gryphon Basketball feels violated

In recent weeks, crowds of girls attending Men’s Basketball games in order to “scope out the only hot, manly men on campus,” as one female fan put it, have infuriated the SLC basketball players.

“My boys feel violated,” Head Coach Joe Ross told The Phoenix.

“They only come here to undress my sweet, innocent boys with their eyes.”

“Do you know how hard it is to run a 2-2-1 zone defense when the whole crowd is looking at you like a piece of meat?” a player who wished to remain anonymous asked. “I don’t know if this violates the sexual assault policy, but it damn well should.”

Coach Ross would not go so far as to place the entire blame of a devastating 72-40 loss to St. Joseph-Brooklyn on the female spectators, but said it was “a serious factor” in the team’s sloppy play.

Coach Ross was unsure of what solutions could be found to the situation. “We may have to order coordinated jump-suits as new uniforms,” Ross suggested. “I can’t have the whole crowd gawking at their gleaming biceps. But alas, coordinated jump suits are so 1984.”